Thursday, March 23, 2006

The world of me

So rumour has it that I may actually have Bipolar II, but the jury is still out on that so watch this space. At least I'll be in good company - Churchill amongst others were thought to have it and still managed to function in normal society. So there may be hope for me yet.

I've been having a frustrating few weeks. I know that one of my biggest problems is that I think too much, but that's one habit that they haven't developed a patch or gum for yet. So I was thinking the other day and feeling guilty about being 25 and still living at home with my parents while most of the people I know are working (those who aren't are studying). I have 2 degrees, 7 years at 'varsity and a well above average IQ (fact, not boasting) yet there seems to be nothing for me to do to earn money part time while I continue my studies in psychology at UNISA and try to find an even keel. Do you have any idea how shit that makes you feel ?

In an attempt to describe what it feels like to have depression I ask you to bear with me for a moment or two. Imagine that you're driving to work and you suddenly realise that the car in front of you has stopped. While you may be able to slow down there is no way that you can avoid hitting it. You know that feeling that sits in your chest ? That's what it feels like to have depression, but you carry that feeling around 24/7 and it varies in intensity with often no logical or apparent reason. Medically I know that what I have will take a long time to recover from, but I often beat myself up that I'm wallowing and using it as an excuse. Then I test the boundaries and I get slapped back into reality - I didn't wake up one morning and say "You know what would be fun ?" I do also try every day - some days trying involves actually being around people. I wish there was a reset button.

Do you know what my greatest fear is ? That people will get tired and abandon me.

But enough melancholia. I just finished reading The Black Magician Trilogy by Trudi Canavan and I haven't read such a good and real feeling fantasy series in a long time. It will make an awesome roleplaying campaign setting (possibly with some modification). With regards to movies Tim Burton's The Corpse Bride is well worth the watch - excellent puppets and the voice talents of a star studded cast.

I've been having friendsickness - I miss my friends so much. I do have some good friends here - but no one under the age of about 31 and I haven't been out dancing for almost a year. Blast.

Write to me dammit.