Friday, November 25, 2005

Puddles

As I sit and type this little post the rain sings merry tunes on our roof, summoning the flying ants who in turn have made us hostages in our own house. All lights that could attract the enthusiastic breeding machines into the house have been turned off, possible points of entry have been blocked and outside lights have been turned on as a modern day lure (my thanks to Edison). I say breeding machines simply because the second they lose their wings they pair up and begin a strange front to back insect tango. At least our happy frogs patrolling the lures outside are pleased.

The other draw back to the rain is the sweltering heat that comes with it. Now, as a biologist I'm all for sweat - the system works quite well as long as the moisture content of the surrounding air is lower and there's a bit of a breeze. Both of these factors are conspicuously absent in Natal during most summer days, leaving one turning into the above mentioned pool of condensation.

But don't get me wrong - living in a community surrounded by farms means that the final break to the drought is a very welcome one and the lush green foliage that has returned to the gardens and roadsides is almost enough to distract you from the fact that it seems like a better and better idea to bathe in Shield deoderant every day.

In other news - I went back to the Occupational Therapist for a feedback session on Monday. She gave me one form to fill in the previous week to circle how I feel so she could assess my level of depression. She looked at me and told me that the test shows that I'm suffering from severe depression, but that my demeanor and presentation contradict that finding. Adding to comments from my doctor and one psychiatrist that I'm a very good actress. If you know me, you can generally tell how I'm feeling though. Unless I'm trying really hard.

Anyhow - life carries on and now I will retreat to the area under a fan to watch Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Another one bites the dust....

Yup, yet another of my cousins has gone and tied the knot. It was an awesome wedding - not too extravagant and quite relaxed. And I had a blast on the dance floor. Another of my cousins came up to me after I'd been dancing for a few hours and claimed that Cape Town had obviously been good for me. Don't you just love being the nerd/geek of the cousins ? The evening was accompanied by all of the drama and hilarity that invaiably follows whenever my whole family gets together. We're quite a boisterous lot.

Went up to Durban last week to see an OT for yet more cognitive/neuropsychological testing. They all mean well, but if one more person tells me that I'm so stunningly intelligent that they can't see why I'm nervous about getting a job etc. I'm going to be up for murder. Hey, at least with my medical/mental history I might have a real shot at an insanity plea.

It's a very difficult thing to try to explain - the feeling of complete helplessness in doing even the most basic things. All my life I've had my intelligence and academics to keep me afloat when the going got a bit rough, but now that's not working anymore. People reading this who think that I'm using this as an excuse to boast about my cranial expertise can turn around right now and back away from the page. I just want to take people by the shoulders and shake them until they understand how much this hurts. I sit in the centre of the maelstrom of my thoughts and scream, but no one hears me. The scream comes from a scared, defenceless little person who is so overwhelmed by all of the theories, possibilities, options, lack of options, failures, loneliness etc. that she has no other course of action available to her. When I contemplate suicide, it's not because I want to die (I know that sounds like a contradiction, but bear with me) but rather the fact that I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. We put animals down every day because they are in pain and it is usually the humane thing to do, so why not put me out of my (and everyone else's) misery. Then I have a better day and I'm tricked into thinking that life may actually get better. Don't get me wrong - life is a shit load better than it was about four/five months ago. Yet the recurring image that flashes in my mind is that of a sad, lonely sixty year old spinster still living with her parents simply because she has no other choice. And that is enough to make anyone terrified.

But I have ranted enough now - good to get some of that off my chest.

FYI: I am coming down to Cape Town for Melanie and Dave's daughter's christening from 2-5 Dec. Yup - I'm a godmother. Because my trip is so brief I am apologising in advance for the fact that I woun't be able to see people who won't be at the ceremony as it is happening outside of Cape Town.